Good shoe, bad shoe, poo shoe

8 11 2008

When examining your date for signs of potential surely there’s only one benchmark against which to judge? This mostly goes for dating guys and it’s as the title suggests: what are they wearing on the feet? Good shoes, bad shoes, poo shoes? 


Poo shoes are not as defined here by Urban Dictionary but a reference to really, really bad shoes. Often brown in colour, boring, square, with thin laces, sometimes approximating a football shoe or hiking boot, or alternatively entirely flat, no laces and slip on – an even greater atrocity. They are the most boring men’s shoes you can imagine.


So what’s the connection to today’s blog? Today is all about internet dating. I love the net, because I work from home, no colleagues, no boss (except at the end of an email connection), one flatmate and three dogs for distraction, when an email pings up it’s like someone threw a Golden Egg through the window – every time. In fact I am feeling extremely ansty right now as I am waiting for an email and nothing is pinging. No ping of love for me.  I love getting emails, and I reply almost instantly. I read blogs constantly, I refresh the news websites maybe every half hour. Since maybe, oh, the last 5 years when the internet got really important, like almost for survival, my productivity has dropped. I got so much work done in the summer when there was no connection in the flat and then broadband was delivered, as if in a stork’s basket, accompanied by the sound of lyres and heraldic trumpets. Now I can just about manage to eek out a few paragraphs of work a day but at least I can share tidbits of pop cultue references and quote the daily exchange rate for, ohh, five currencies.


So what do you do if most of your friends are stuck behind the company firewall that blocks personal emails, messenger, ICQ, other time wasting avenues? Join up for some ‘friendship’ sites (ahem)! I love these! I love the pings of love I get each time, the standardized flirt messages you can send – ‘I need therapy, what about you?’ or ‘Why are all the losers online right now?’ or ‘I have no social functioning’. Well, maybe not those words exactly but those are the stereotypes that exist, right? 


So in the interest of social research, adding some excitement back into my life and receiving flirt contacts from people in Brazil (how? and why me?), I am throwing myself whole heartily into ‘friendship’ sites. And I have learnt a lot, oh how I have a learnt a lot! But now I present to you the definitive guide of what not to include in your profile picture if you want to secure that life-changing friendship. Thanks Beau Travail for your help in this, it was collaborative so I give credit! 


  1. Check the front page of ‘The Daily Mail’ or any another British tabloid press. If your picture resembles anything like the mug adorning the front page, get a new photo. You don’t want to look like an escaped convict.
  2. Posing is bad. Do none of these in your picture: grill yourself under the sun wearing Speedo trunks, pose half naked showing off your scrawny body with photoshopped six-pack, pose half naked whilst holding a champagne bottle over your nether regions. Pose doing a ‘Fonz’ thumbs up, or pointing at the camera and winking, again, no Speedos in any circumstances.
  3. Do not do a ‘Myspace’ photo. You’re grown up and desperate to find someone to spend the rest of your life with rather than be married to your computer. So none of those ‘hold camera above the head, pretend it’s not there, pout up to it, attempt to look sultry’. Mostly found on the girls’ pages, though. Why?
  4. Never, ever show the camera in your photo. All that demonstrates is you don’t have a friend to take your picture, at least learn to use the automatic mode.
  5. Make sure the picture is recent. What a surprise for  your new ‘friend’ when you turn up and you’ve prematurely aged 5 years. It’s disappointing.
  6. Sepia tinted is just bad. Full Stop.
  7. Do not take your picture using the internal camera in your computer. You’ll have to look down to the camera at approximately an angle of 35 degrees, giving your eyes a hooded appearance resembling tabloid front page evilness.
  8. No Speedos!
  9. Show your face at least. Don’t take a long distance shot of yourself facing away from the camera.
  10. And don’t leave the picture field blank. We’re all here to check out the hotties, no matter what else we pretend. Like the old private Myspace albums, it’s just no fun if you VIP your photos. 
  11. Don’t use a crumpled up magazine photograph that you’ve scannend in. The crumpled up scuff marks on the edge give it away.
  12. Don’t use a picture of a celebrity. Someone, somewhere does know who Corey Haim is, and they will recognize such a sham.
  13. Ok, you like sports and traveling but don’t leave a picture showing off just how sweaty you got when you cycled up Table Mountain.
  14. One for the ladies in particular – for the love of all things holy, use some hot oil on your hair!
  15. Don’t use your picture from your company profile. BORING. Show your personality at least. 
  16. There’s a park in Bergen, Norway with some statues of rubenesque ladies. Don’t go to such a park and pose, pretending to slap some stone lady ass. That’s not cool. I mean, it might be in the bedroom a few weeks into the relationship, but for a first impression???
  17. If you can have more than one photo up, don’t take a picture in ten different ways. Me looking straight on, me looking side-ways, me looking up, me looking pouty, me looking stern, me looking crazy… the fact your jumper is the same in each one says either you’re preoccupied with finding your best side or you never wash your clothes. 
  18. Take the red eye OUT! Red eye is so unflattering, either photoshop it away or just choose another photo. No one wants to meet the Devil.
  19. No Speedos!
  20. Finally, don’t take a photo of yourself, standing inside some conceptual art installation. Having your head swathed in folds of pink plastic just looks like your head is coming out between a pair of giant vulva. We might want to get to the hanky panky stage later, but first impression? Ewwwwww! 

Still no ping of love for me, I give up. Time to go and do something productive!