Jealous, moi?

11 01 2009

 

Or ‘why I wish I lived in America right now‘.

 

 

Tonight!

Tonight!

 

Tonight!

Tonight!

 

 

 

Which means I can’t read Bamboo Nation for the next three months. Oh, wait…I’ve been promised spoiler warnings! Ace!

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This! This! This!

2 10 2008

I read it here first!

Now do this from one of my more popular posts

SONOFABITCH! JACK IS BACK!





Take the Test! Which 24 character are you?

5 09 2008

Here’s a quiz to take up the remaining hours (minutes) of your Friday afternoon at work!

 

Question 1

You look in the mirror and what do you see?

a) My wrinkles, no not my wrinkles. My wrinkles, no not my wrinkles. BOTOX, yea! Ok, my nipples.

b) A SONOFABITCH

c) The mirror, I don’t have time to look in the mirror. Why would I look in the mirror? I’ll only look if you order me to.

d) One of the 50th most beautiful faces in the world.

e) The most powerful man in the World. But I am only here, because you the people, voted me into this office and I will endeavor to do right for the American people with every strength within my (hunky) body.

f) A bitch. But at least a rich one.

 

Question 2

What do you say if someone dumps you?

a) Do you know who my father is? He’s a government agent and he will track you down, find you and kill you. Do you at least like my nipples?

b) SONOFABITCH!

c) FINE! I didn’t like you much anyway, I’m sorry to have to tell you, I really didn’t want to but you kind of smell.

d) THAT WAS NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE! I’m in charge here, and you take your orders from ME! But do you at least like my 50th most beautiful face?

e) I respect your decision, but I must speak for the people of this country when I say you’re making a terrible, terrible mistake. 

f) *BANG* Ha, you’re dead now.

 

Question 3

How do you make a living?

a) Showing my breasts.

b) Shooting SONS OF BITCHES!

c) That’s really not your concern, I can’t reveal that to you, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t, so please don’t ask me. Go away now, I’m trying to work.

d) Showing my 50th most beautiful face.

e) Collecting taxes. But I promised the people of this land to be a fair President, and you the people can be assured that your taxes will be returned to you in the form of schools, hospitals, free dental work and winter heating allowances!

f) Selling deadly viruses on a global scale, betraying my colleagues, plotting to assassinate Presidents, generally just stabbing people in the back. 

 

Question 4

You’re offered immunity from the President, what crime did you commit?

a) My nipples showing through my clothes, in public.

b) Shooting SONS OF BITCHES!

c) FINE! I didn’t really commit any crime, actually if you track back through my work log you’ll see I kept to the protocol all the time. Jack DIDN’T make me do it. Ok FINE! I did it, but I’m only saying this for Jack.

d) Having one of the 50 most beautiful faces ever.

e) I am the President. But to be fair to the people of this land, those very people who voted me into this office, to show that even the President is not above the law, I will tell you now that I will step down. 

f) Killing you. *BANG* Ha, you’re dead now.

 

Question 5

Which of your work colleagues do you fancy the most?

a) The slightly wooden looking, gung-ho action jock with the confusion lines.

b) The one selling deadly viruses and state secrets. But she shot my wife. SONOFABITCH!

c) It’s not protocol to fancy anyone at work. I’ve got a job to do here, you know. FINE, OK! It’s Mo….and Jack. Just don’t tell him.

d) One of the 50 most beautiful colleagues in the world who stands in the mirror whenever I appear. Oh, my wife too, of course.

e) It is not for the President of this country to have affairs at work. You the people are my only concern right now. (But the piece of skirt working on my press release is a heap better than my ex-wife, Lady Macbeth).

f) Ugh! Come on! I’ve had them ALL, and they ALL LOVED IT.

 

Question 6

What would your final words be?

a) Can you see my nipples? Hope so!

b) DAMNIT!

c) OK, FINE!

d) Quick! Plaster cast my one of the 50 most beautiful faces before it rots!

e) No words, just a serene and wise look passes across your face.

f) NO ONE kills ME and gets away with it!! 

 

Now tot up your answers and see which CTU character you are!

Mostly as – you are Kim Bauer, your wrinkles come and go with Botox injections, you show your nipples, you are vacuous and you will never get over the loss of your mother at the hands of Nina Myers. You blame your Dad and despite years of therapy you will still end up in failed relationships with quite questionable suitors.

 

Botox, yea!

Botox, yea!

Mostly bs – you are Jack Bauer. You are a SONOFABITCH!

 

 

DAMNIT!

DAMNIT!

 

Motly cs – you are Chloe O’Brian. The office grump, loyal to Jack as you are secretly in love with him, a quiet rebel who is too good at their job to get sacked. Despite looking a bit strange you will be the hot fantasy of many a guy, so chin up!

 

FINE!

FINE!

 

Mostly ds – you are Tony Almeida. You have one of the 50 most beautiful faces in the world. You have nothing more to worry about. Your life is easy.

 

Beautifulf

Beautiful

 

Mostly es – you are President David Palmer. An honest, truthful and sage man, voted in by the people you have survived countless attacks on your life and your character. You are the most powerful man in the World, you also have nothing more to worry about. You are actually more handsome than Tony Almeida. 

 

More Beautiful

More Beautiful

Mostly fs – you are Nina Myers. Bitch. You are currently burning in Hell. 

 

Evil incarnate

Evil incarnate





Hallowe’en is sorted!

5 09 2008
Even couch potatoes can be Jack Bauer!

Even couch potatoes can now be Jack Bauer!

In search of evidence for Jack Bauer’s fusty coats I came across the above picture, linked to this site for adult costumes.  

 

So fret no more about what you will wear this Hallowe’en, Leatherface is out and Jack is in! Round where I live adult costumes means something a bit different but there is some latex on this costume, albeit for the faux face wounds. I’m a bit concerned that whereas on the web description bullet proof vest is enclosed in quote marks, just in case the wearer places themselves in front of a hold up at the petrol station, taser however is listed as an accessory with no quote marks.

Not sure this guy does it for me though, however I did see a DONALD SUTHERLAND lookalike in Ikea last week. And he was Canadian. He was buying mugs. I nearly followed him, I didn’t, I have a shred of self-respect left.





Geoffrey Howell, Jeff Goldblum and Jeff Wall

18 08 2008

What’s the connection then between those three names in this post’s title? A-ha! They are all variations of Jeff or Geoff; the name being Old German and probably meaning ‘God’s Peace’ or ‘Divinly Peaceful’. 

 

  But I have uncovered another link between these three names: Geoffrey Howell was the name of the character in Invasion of the Body Snatchers who was the boyfriend of the character Elizabeth Driscoll, Jeff Goldblum played the part of Jack Bellicec in the same film and Jeff Wall is an awesome Canadian photographer who has produced some epic scale images during his time. Donald Sutherland, however, is a dishy man who wears a long rain mac in both Invasion of the Bodysnatchers and Don’t Look Now. He has nothing to do with the other three.

  So….? Their names just connect them together? Yes  – but also something else. I think Jeff Wall is unconsciously influenced by the film (particularly the 1978 version) Invasion of the Bodysnatchers

  I was extremely lucky to catch Wall’s exhibition at the Art Institute of Chicago last summer, who’d have thought a conference would have yielded such an opportunity? But I wasn’t underestimating Chicago, I was just genuinely excited to get to see Wall’s work in such venue and see it all in huge proportions rather than miniature versions on the internet. 

  Much of Wall’s work is staged, he utilizes actors, lighting, props and directs them in the same way you would film or theatre. He then reproduces the images with skilled technique to generate larger than life images, often displayed against huge lightboxes to give a cinematic impression and bring the photographs closer to large-scale paintings. As far as I have read, his influences come from many angles – events or movements he’s witnessed himself, represented later in the photo Mimic, or from literature – such as Odradek, which was influenced by the hidden ghoul of Kafka’s The Cares of a Family Man. Wall’s pictures seem spontaneous but most have taken months to prepare for and the thought and attention given to each one is easily forgotten by the viewer who is just left to take everything in, in one huge eye-opening image. 

  So where does Invasion of the Body Snatchers come in? Well, when I visited the photography exhibition it was my supervisor who pointed out how many of the people in Wall’s photos are in motion, walking mostly, briskly or sauntering, and he manages to capture this movement exactly – the heel just off the ground, or the toe; and if more than one subject is present he manages to capture all their movements in almost exact timing, and the images are not blurred or out of focus despite this movement.

 

  Now Wall was born in 1946, and would have been around 10 years old when the fear of Communism was still gripping North America. Ok, he’s Canadian but I’m sure at least the newsreports would have reached that far, right? McCarthyism, witchhunts, the ten year long entertainment industry blacklist, film such as The Red Menace, I Married a Communist, Them! and the original 1958 Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. Such films represented the threat to humanity upheld by a Communist system which threatened to turn victims into soulless replicants, but it is the imagery from the film Invasion of the Bodysnatchers which I tentatively and quite ridiculously think seems to be present in Wall’s work.

 

  But isn’t photography just like such an invasion? Our living, breathing selves turned into flat, dead replications, trapped inside the boundaries of the photography? And it’s a long held belief by some ancient tribes that being photographed will steal the soul of the subject. A lot of photography of course avoids the flat, dull and lifeless subject, it aims to precisely bring emotion to life within the photo, and yet despite Wall’s work being centred on human subjects, their emotions, although present, seem slightly distant and reserved. Often the subjects have their faces turned away from the camera, or there is little communication between them, such as with Trân Dúc Ván. But it’s the footsteps and nature of motion which reminds me so much of Invasion. I’ve only seen the 1978 version but has anyone else noticed how much attention is given to the inhabitants of San Francisco walking in step together, replicants walking in tune and mirroring each others’ motions? Those parts were so creepy to watch. There were a lot of camera angles favouring the feet and footsteps and following shadows of the replicants, and as my supervisor pointed out, feet stepping in motion seem to be largely present in Wall’s work. So is Jeff Wall unconsciously influenced by Invasion

  Take a look at the images on the Tate Modern’s website here and tell me what you think! Look especially at Mimic, Odradek, and Overpass. Even Volunteer reminds me of the cleaner/janitor figure working in the Public Health agency featured in Invasion.

  So how about it? Jeff Wall was born during the last ten years of large scale Communist fear, his name is coincidentally linked to characters and actors in Invasion, and his photographic subjects are replicants of their living selves. Or, perhaps I am way too far off the mark and my speculation is solely that. It doesn’t matter, Jeff Wall is an incredible contemporary photographer and if you ever get the chance to see his work up close – go for it!

 

Body Snatchers - replicant fear

 

Overpass - Jeff Wall (2001)

Overpass - Jeff Wall (2001)

 





Jack and Pat – bezzie mates!!!!!

11 08 2008

 

Look right!

Look right!

Look Left!

Look Left!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See! Pat Butcher and Jack Bauer have the same acting method!

Look left, look right, look up, look down! Look WORRIED!!!





Young, uniformed minds

24 05 2008

I’ve overcome my Herr Flick-like gait enough to go to Pilates today. There were a few side-long glances in the room though, and not at me and my amazing contortionist abilities – there was a boy in the class. I know most of the class were trying to be subtle with their covert gazes but I could pick up on it pretty quickly. I heard the interloper being suave-ish with the older ladies beforehand, swapping best hamstring stretch tips, and talking about which jasmine green tea is best pre-10k race. Then he flashed his shiny white teeth at us all. It reminded me of being at school, yup an all girls’ school, and the boys from the school down the road would run onto the lawn during lunch time and try to out-wit the staff who chased them earnestly across the lawn. Suddenly a veritable gaggle of untouched gals would hang out of the windows, appear from behind the bike sheds, down CDT tools and floppy discs (we were modern and progressive) and try their best to catch a glimpse of disappearing hide. It kind of reminds me of The Divine Comedy’s ‘Songs of Love’, there’s some truth in those lyrics.

So what’s my point? I’m an expert in detecting the hidden gaze of girls upon the lone guy in pilates or yoga?Well I wasn’t looking because 1) I saw his poo shoes at the side of the room, 2) I was over that around about 1999, 3) I prefer to scowl during pilates. I can’t pretend I’m particularly talented at pilates, nor particularly limber, but I do have my own style, and I like to be left in peace to do it. I don’t want any giggling girls nearby, the ones who come in holding hands with their BFF, and then make a big show and dance because they can’t put their mats together, or they don’t want to be right at the front, worried someone will see their ridiculous and frankly unpractical thong sticking out of their trackies. I don’t want no poo-shoed man near by either, I enjoy scowling in class. It’s because I never really understand what’s going on, and last time I attempted yoga all I heard was ‘sssshchcwas – fgghehe scshhh’ from the instructor so I just try and do my own thing, scowling as I go. 

 

I waved a sad goodbye to Donald last night, bidding farewell to the first season of Dirty, Sexy, Money. What will I do now that both Donald and Keifer are off my screen? Bring out an old copy of Young Guns? I think I’ll have to go back to Season 1 of 24 because Jackson hasn’t seen it at all and I need some adrenalin injected to the torpor of my surroundings. I’ve got the impression that Tripp Darling is like a magnetic planet, his children small orbs trapped in his gravitational field. He can’t let them go, and they can’t shake him either. I watched him try so hard throughout to get the most that is possible from all his children, but who’s had to struggle uphill the hardest? I’d have to say it’s Brian. I think I’ve been his fan since the beginning and his life’s certainly turned around the most, and he’s had more of an epiphany than the rest of the brood. The show’s supposed to be about Nick finding out who killed his Dad, but with characters like Brian and Karen, that line is just background noise to me. What did disappoint me though, but which was not in the slightest bit surprising for a woman like her, was that insipid wife of Nick deciding to have a baby. It just proves that she’s not unlike any other wispy, boring woman – when things go wrong (she was fired) the answer to it OF COURSE is to have another child. Just what you need to take your mind off things, the baby will solve it all. Maybe also Nick will be so tired from nappy changing all night that he’ll momentarily forget how boring and tiresome she is. I guess they needed the fired storyline to inject a bit of vim into her character. Bit of a twist with Karen though, eh? I knew she was kind of spunky deep down but not sly enough to do what she did with Simon Elder!!! Wily, slyboots Karen! 

 

I have a heap of things to write about Britain’s Having a Petit Mal in the Talent Department, but I might save some of them for later. I did however, whilst trawling through Youtube find that a whole host of videos exist for ‘Scala’ the electronic string act. It seems that one of the violinists, or maybe two, is going out with a member of McFly (they met on tour) and some fans have made Powerpoint style photo shows dedicated to the girls and their beaus, played in SlowMo to songs like ‘Girls just wanna have fun’ and writing symbols like <3. What does ❤ even stand for? “Get outta ma way, ho! You’re not standing in the way of me and my Fly boyzz!” Or maybe it’s actually a pair of boobs squeezed into a tight corset. Anyway, why was I looking this group up? I had a feeling I’d seen them before or read about them before. And I was right! There is a connection, but not one I’d shout about from the rooftops, because that would be lame to jump on someone else’s bandwagon, and well, about 50,000 other people have the same connection. But there was this one time (long time ago)…a party….and next door….and Eurovision….orange juice….raw egg…sore head…fag butt in a stale Chinese. Nope, that’s enough. Hang on, Eurovision is on tonight, and I saw Scala tonight, and that’s, that’s like weird! Tuscon weird!