Empty as a Pocket

8 01 2009

I have nothing but a cup of hot water to drink right now, I’m like a raggedy poor street urchin. I barely spend any time in my flat so there’s currently nothing in my fridge at the moment, and I’m also feeling kind of funny-looking poor. I could have made coffee but I’ve already had two today, which isn’t really that bad and nothing like the Berlinerisch habit of downing cups of the stuff at every opportunity, but I’m really enjoying my bed these days and don’t want to be kept awake more than is necessary. I love my giant bed, the giant duvet and the giant toy puppy and bunny that provide extra insulation for me in the cold nights. Sometimes I wake up and mistake the rabbit’s giant ears for Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows, but alas the fantasy is short-lived – I am alone. 


The only downside is the lack of curtains; with the snow and ice all I can see is the strange white glow of the night sky poking out above my makeshift cardboard curtains that covers most of the window – kind of eerie. 


I think I’m going to give up on my online ‘friend finding’ foray, I’ve come to the conclusion that only the strangest of society lurk on such sites. That might include me but I like to think I have a genuine reason – new to a city and just looking to meet people. I’m also wondering if writing blogs is just for people with no internal monologue, unless they actually have something to promote or important things to say. Given my readership is currently at 3, that is people I actually communicate directly with, I’m wondering if I’m only writing this to give myself a laugh. 


Anyway, here’s a list of my favourite online encounters so far; in brief and with identifiable details hidden:

The lying sociopath who stood me up twice, luckily it wasn’t to the point of me waiting outside in the cold at the U-bahn, but near enough. 

The guy writing in caps lock who said he had no thumbs.

The guy who wrote to me and said he’d like to ask me some questions. Conversation went as follows:

‘I really like your profile, perhaps I can ask you some questions?’

Me: ok, what would you like to ask me about?

‘What’s your name?’

Me: sILEnt_FaNTAsy (blah). Do you have another question for me?

‘What questions should I ask you?’


???? What? Use your imagination!!


The offer of erotic stories was also interesting, but I declined. I would accept if only that stuffed bunny did miraculously morph into Peter Gallagher. 

The men I have met who look nothing like their photos. Disappointing. 

The multiple wet lettuces who run off to the bus stop as soon as the date’s ended, like little children desperate to get home so Mummy can make their dinner. Weirdly enough these are often the more good looking ones, but they can barely manage a good bye kiss before being freaked out by some hot female contact. 


The guy who asked if I had ‘dots’ on my face. ‘You mean freckles?’, I asked him. ‘No, red ones. Spots’, he answered. NO, I do NOT have spots and you shouldn’t ask someone you barely know that. Jeebers, what happened to trying to make a good impression? 

What about the emails that read: ‘I don’t suppose there’s any chance of an answer?’. What?

Or this one: ‘Hmmmm’. What does hmmm mean, on it’s own? With no beginning, middle or end to the sentence?


And the profiles that answer questions such as ‘what do you think is most important in a relationship?’ with the answer ‘the relationship’; or the question ‘what are you afraid of?’, answer: ‘being afraid’. Surely the whole point is that you try and show your best side to your new, ahem, friend?? Be a bit creative perhaps? Show some initiative? Show you are still…living?


It’s going to hit minus 12 later today. I love snow, in Winter, which is when it should snow. Not like in the UK when it snows in March and April. I’m still getting a slight Fargo feeling every time I put on a giant winter coat to take the rubbish out in the night. The heck ja mean?


Amendment: I wrote this post a couple of days ago, but didn’t publish. But I’d just like to share that on the night of writing this, I walked home late and my nose froze up – on the INSIDE! It’s cold here!