Jealous, moi?

11 01 2009

 

Or ‘why I wish I lived in America right now‘.

 

 

Tonight!

Tonight!

 

Tonight!

Tonight!

 

 

 

Which means I can’t read Bamboo Nation for the next three months. Oh, wait…I’ve been promised spoiler warnings! Ace!

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Gut und Guenstig

3 01 2009

I still can’t write umlauts with my English keyboard so the title up there looks a bit funny to me. Although I can’t type very well at all right now because two dogs are lying over me and my brain feels severly dehydrated from eating too much salty/sweet popcorn. Spokaki!

 

So, why ‘Gut und Guenstig’? Because that’s how I’m feeling right now, good and good value, in the English translation, or even ‘convenient’ in the alternative translation! Berlin is still coming up trumps, we’ve had snow in early December and on New Year’s Day so I feel like Winter has arrived for real. I’m enjoying the changing of the seasons over here, unlike the washed out grey skies of back home which seem to last from September through to May. I know lots of people complain about the gradually descending wet blanket of torpor that they think hits Berlin, but so far I’ve been happy. 

 

The strangest experience I’ve had recently though was New Year’s Eve and waking up on New Year’s Day. I’ve celebrated NYE in many different cities, but this one in Berlin scared the heebjeebies out of me. It seems that the locals like to spend most of the year arguing in a constant, unfaltering drone, never really raising their voices but never letting up either, and then on NYE all their testosterone, adrenaline, thyroxine and whatever, just wooshes out in the form of a giant, Berlin-wide gunpowder plot. The sky must have been fluro for well over 45 minutes, ash was falling from above, rockets dive bombing in the courtyard. People weren’t gathering in parks or big back gardens to let off their Catherine Wheels and Golden Willows, they just let them off as they stood in the roads. People were outside the front door just lobbing fireworks from glass bottles. When I walked home in the early morning the streets were covered in broken glass and spent fireworks; this stuff was tripping me up there was so much. In the morning it was snowing a really fine powder which made me briefly think that the fireworks the night before were actually the impending nuclear attack we’re all secretely wondering is going to happen, and that the snow was a huge blanket of fall-out dust blocking the sun. But then I heard the birds singing in a confused chorus, and knew I’d still have all my fingers and toes in the coming months. 

 

Although someone out there thinks I’m missing a finger. I couldn’t help it, I told a porky to someone. But to give him credit he’s still interested in me, and I really can’t think why. I have to defend myself though, I got the idea after receiving an email from someone which was all in capital letters. When I asked them to write normally because it was hurting my eyes to read, he replied and said it was because he had no thumbs. Which doesn’t actually make sense.

 

So  a new year, and I’m feeling Gut and Guenstig, that’s my best offer to you all. Take me out on a date and I’ll cost a glass of drink, a cheap enough price to pay. One drink is usually enough to make me blotto, although having said that it would be nice if the drink was a Pomegranate Martini. Not that anyone here would buy me a drink, I think one date has paid for me so far, the rest have all split the bill ‘getrennt‘. Which is an interesting conundrum; by no means do I expect anyone to pay for me just because I’m female but sometimes the offer is nice. Even if it’s ‘I’ll pay this time, you next time’. Anyway, if I’m Guenstig enough for a date to pay for  just one drink, maybe the lucky guy will also find out my ‘Gut’ side. Although they’d also find out I’m pretty much good value back home too; I still have hill-billy plastic bags instead of curtains, and that’s in my new place. I also only have lights in the hallway and living room, which makes showering and dressing interesting. Oh, I also only have a mirror the size of a postcard so I’ve no idea what I look like when I leave the house, having showered and dressed in the dark and then not even seen more than the side of my nose in a mirror. 

 

I’m kind of behind on this blog thing; there was heaps I should have written about just before Christmas but in my defence I was writing over 400 pages of work (ok, it was double sided) and I kind of didn’t know that Christmas was approaching let alone much else. I can say though, that the 24 face was back ON! I am fan enough to pre-order 24 Redemption after hearing it had already hit State-side and watched it in a pre-Christmas slump of 24 joy. It took a while to warm up, as Jacks was all alone sans the CTU crew, but my rigid face of ueber- concentration soon set in. And, what is GOING ON (yeah, I’ve no thumbs as well) with Season 7??? I wish I wasn’t geeky enough to know the actors’ real names because it kind of ruined the surprise for me when the trailer started, but I took great delighte at squealing to my parents ‘oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD! I can’t believe it, I’m not going to tell you, but I know, I know…!’

 

I’m not really one for a big round up of the year’s events, but I can say: seeing Duke Special live in Birmingham and the Fleet Foxes live in Berlin was AWESOME (NO THUMBS awesome). I think my squealing is even on a youtube video of the Fleet Foxes. It feels good to go out and see live bands again and it feels good to now be able to enjoy my life again, even though I’m ‘arm aber sexy‘ like a true Berliner (poor but sexy, yup). I can go to the cinema, hang out at the flea markets, 3222222 (er, the dog just typed those numbers with her long nose) and day dream to my heart’s content. But feeling good about having a poor but sexy, faulpelz big butt might not last long, I remember vaguely feeling like this in 1997 before I got my first job pre-college, working for a prototype call centre for Radio Rentals! But the last 11 years were good for me, so there’s hope for me yet. And if any Sugardaddy’s are out there, I’m ‘gut und guenstig’ which is what everyone wants in a recession.





This! This! This!

2 10 2008

I read it here first!

Now do this from one of my more popular posts

SONOFABITCH! JACK IS BACK!





Today is all about 24!

5 09 2008

Thank you so much to my good friend for pointing out to me that Tony Almeida, who has one of the 50th most beautiful faces of all time, has actually got a Chav face. See below:

 

 

Spot the difference

Spot the difference

 

It’s Tony Almeida versus Vicky Pollard, who’s the chavviest of them all??!!





Take the Test! Which 24 character are you?

5 09 2008

Here’s a quiz to take up the remaining hours (minutes) of your Friday afternoon at work!

 

Question 1

You look in the mirror and what do you see?

a) My wrinkles, no not my wrinkles. My wrinkles, no not my wrinkles. BOTOX, yea! Ok, my nipples.

b) A SONOFABITCH

c) The mirror, I don’t have time to look in the mirror. Why would I look in the mirror? I’ll only look if you order me to.

d) One of the 50th most beautiful faces in the world.

e) The most powerful man in the World. But I am only here, because you the people, voted me into this office and I will endeavor to do right for the American people with every strength within my (hunky) body.

f) A bitch. But at least a rich one.

 

Question 2

What do you say if someone dumps you?

a) Do you know who my father is? He’s a government agent and he will track you down, find you and kill you. Do you at least like my nipples?

b) SONOFABITCH!

c) FINE! I didn’t like you much anyway, I’m sorry to have to tell you, I really didn’t want to but you kind of smell.

d) THAT WAS NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE! I’m in charge here, and you take your orders from ME! But do you at least like my 50th most beautiful face?

e) I respect your decision, but I must speak for the people of this country when I say you’re making a terrible, terrible mistake. 

f) *BANG* Ha, you’re dead now.

 

Question 3

How do you make a living?

a) Showing my breasts.

b) Shooting SONS OF BITCHES!

c) That’s really not your concern, I can’t reveal that to you, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t, so please don’t ask me. Go away now, I’m trying to work.

d) Showing my 50th most beautiful face.

e) Collecting taxes. But I promised the people of this land to be a fair President, and you the people can be assured that your taxes will be returned to you in the form of schools, hospitals, free dental work and winter heating allowances!

f) Selling deadly viruses on a global scale, betraying my colleagues, plotting to assassinate Presidents, generally just stabbing people in the back. 

 

Question 4

You’re offered immunity from the President, what crime did you commit?

a) My nipples showing through my clothes, in public.

b) Shooting SONS OF BITCHES!

c) FINE! I didn’t really commit any crime, actually if you track back through my work log you’ll see I kept to the protocol all the time. Jack DIDN’T make me do it. Ok FINE! I did it, but I’m only saying this for Jack.

d) Having one of the 50 most beautiful faces ever.

e) I am the President. But to be fair to the people of this land, those very people who voted me into this office, to show that even the President is not above the law, I will tell you now that I will step down. 

f) Killing you. *BANG* Ha, you’re dead now.

 

Question 5

Which of your work colleagues do you fancy the most?

a) The slightly wooden looking, gung-ho action jock with the confusion lines.

b) The one selling deadly viruses and state secrets. But she shot my wife. SONOFABITCH!

c) It’s not protocol to fancy anyone at work. I’ve got a job to do here, you know. FINE, OK! It’s Mo….and Jack. Just don’t tell him.

d) One of the 50 most beautiful colleagues in the world who stands in the mirror whenever I appear. Oh, my wife too, of course.

e) It is not for the President of this country to have affairs at work. You the people are my only concern right now. (But the piece of skirt working on my press release is a heap better than my ex-wife, Lady Macbeth).

f) Ugh! Come on! I’ve had them ALL, and they ALL LOVED IT.

 

Question 6

What would your final words be?

a) Can you see my nipples? Hope so!

b) DAMNIT!

c) OK, FINE!

d) Quick! Plaster cast my one of the 50 most beautiful faces before it rots!

e) No words, just a serene and wise look passes across your face.

f) NO ONE kills ME and gets away with it!! 

 

Now tot up your answers and see which CTU character you are!

Mostly as – you are Kim Bauer, your wrinkles come and go with Botox injections, you show your nipples, you are vacuous and you will never get over the loss of your mother at the hands of Nina Myers. You blame your Dad and despite years of therapy you will still end up in failed relationships with quite questionable suitors.

 

Botox, yea!

Botox, yea!

Mostly bs – you are Jack Bauer. You are a SONOFABITCH!

 

 

DAMNIT!

DAMNIT!

 

Motly cs – you are Chloe O’Brian. The office grump, loyal to Jack as you are secretly in love with him, a quiet rebel who is too good at their job to get sacked. Despite looking a bit strange you will be the hot fantasy of many a guy, so chin up!

 

FINE!

FINE!

 

Mostly ds – you are Tony Almeida. You have one of the 50 most beautiful faces in the world. You have nothing more to worry about. Your life is easy.

 

Beautifulf

Beautiful

 

Mostly es – you are President David Palmer. An honest, truthful and sage man, voted in by the people you have survived countless attacks on your life and your character. You are the most powerful man in the World, you also have nothing more to worry about. You are actually more handsome than Tony Almeida. 

 

More Beautiful

More Beautiful

Mostly fs – you are Nina Myers. Bitch. You are currently burning in Hell. 

 

Evil incarnate

Evil incarnate





Hallowe’en is sorted!

5 09 2008
Even couch potatoes can be Jack Bauer!

Even couch potatoes can now be Jack Bauer!

In search of evidence for Jack Bauer’s fusty coats I came across the above picture, linked to this site for adult costumes.  

 

So fret no more about what you will wear this Hallowe’en, Leatherface is out and Jack is in! Round where I live adult costumes means something a bit different but there is some latex on this costume, albeit for the faux face wounds. I’m a bit concerned that whereas on the web description bullet proof vest is enclosed in quote marks, just in case the wearer places themselves in front of a hold up at the petrol station, taser however is listed as an accessory with no quote marks.

Not sure this guy does it for me though, however I did see a DONALD SUTHERLAND lookalike in Ikea last week. And he was Canadian. He was buying mugs. I nearly followed him, I didn’t, I have a shred of self-respect left.





Jack and Pat – bezzie mates!!!!!

11 08 2008

 

Look right!

Look right!

Look Left!

Look Left!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See! Pat Butcher and Jack Bauer have the same acting method!

Look left, look right, look up, look down! Look WORRIED!!!