Too hot to work, generally too hawt

2 07 2009

It’s scorching outside and I can’t even be bothered to go out and buy a fan.

In my head the only heaven that exists is the one where I will meet all the dead animals I have ever known.

That moment when your old pet cats run up to you, mewing and purring and frantically rubbing themselves against your legs is something we should all look forward to.

Sometimes I dream about my old cats, and I truthfully wake up crying.  It’s a different kind of sadness when a pet dies; because who knows if our cats and dogs could really understand what impact they had in our human worlds. And they can’t really understand what’s going on when they get sick and poorly.

In my strange irrational thinking about animal heaven, I even fear that when I scoop up my cats in my arms, as we bounce around on those fluffy clouds, I would crush and smother them because I wouldn’t want to let go. But then a friend pointed that in animal heaven all the cats would speak like the ones from ‘i can haz cheeseburger’ – and I think he’s right.

“pleese don’t squeeze me. you iz squeezing the kitteh”

“i alwayz lubs you 2, you scratch my ears and i puuurrr”

something like that.

And then it would just be an eternity of lounging on soft clouds, a menagerie of animals surrounding us, plenty of catnip and cuddlez for all. Sometimes we would all dance along in a long line, holding hand to paw, to the song ‘Aquarius’. Then we would all fall into a field of catnip so the kittehs could roll around and have their bellehs scratched.

Finally we can tell our pets  just what they mean to us and they will say:

‘yes, but belleh is hungrie, and i have an itch behind my earz’

Ok, these aren’t kittehs  but they are the doggehs I lubs very much.

not quite a cat

not quite a cat

I lubs you, i lubs you, i lubs you!!!!!!!

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What? What…??

16 06 2009

it's a date





Who’s your Daddy?

10 06 2009

I have a new celebrity crush: after watching this video on Bamboo Nation, I followed up the Youtube channel and now I have a crush on Vadim Newquist. Watching ‘Cherries’ disturbed me ever so slightly, partly because I am jealous as I’m not a short film maker. I am, however, a connoisseur of Aperol Sours.

I’m going to start pulling all my New York, short-film, performance art connections to get an introduction; that might take some time. But his myspace does list ‘London 1978’ as an interest – I AM London 1978; and he also rocks Prince ‘Purple Rain’ – I also love ‘Purple Rain’!

But that’s enough gushing, there are some cute gay men in my area for me to stalk today. I know we can never be together, but I like to imagine myself as the tragic heroine; unloved, unwanted, discarded with a mascara drizzled face. Broken high-heeled shoes, burned, abused, ripped stockings, split nails, sicked up Aperol Sours, face all pale. Liebst Du Travestie?

Traversing Travestie





Scary wet pants

13 03 2009

I’ve just watched a video clip on the BBC news website about the world’s steepest rollercoaster drop, located in Thorpe Park, England. Apparently you travel 100 feet vertically upwards, facing the sky and then drop 100 degrees down again. 4.G (??) forces you into your seat. Then you travel a very twisted track until you disembark to walk again on your spaghetti legs.

 

A journalist from the BBC took the ride, named ‘Saw’ (from the films?) but what I noticed was the guy sitting in the end seat is chewing gum as they take off . Hello??  Young man, that gum is going to be thrust back into your throat at 4.7 times the force of gravity. You’re getting your kicks from adrenaline, do you want to add sticky windpipe to the thrills?

 

I was disappointed that I heard only about 5 screams throughout the whole video; where are the manic, high pitched screams of terror and fear? Where is the pant wetting? Were the riders all meditating throughout (don’t laugh, I do this on rollercoaster rides) ? Or perhaps praying? Or does gravity constrict the vocal cords too much to be able to scream? 

Thankfully they interviewed the masticating guy at the end, so the viewers can see that he didn’t afer all get choked by a stick of Wrigley’s or strawberry Trident lodged somewhere behind his tonsils. 

But if I watch rollercoaster footage I want screams, shrieks, wet pants, and vomit in hair.





It’s a puppy post!

12 01 2009

But first I have to say that actually the grit on the icey streets is wearing a bit thin on my patience. Berlin roads aren’t really metaled, in the proper sense, they’re more cobbled. And the cobbles are small squares, with a slight rounded top; perfect for slipping on and over as the tops are polished smooth from many years of street pounding. So proper snow boots are called for. I haven’t yet gone butt over tit and I’m crossing all fingers that it never happens. I’ve also noticed that the worst place where I feel the cold is on the bridge of my nose. Witzig!

The cold then spreads out under my eyes, like a bad sinus headache and it’s not a very easy place to keep bundled up under thermal clothing. Then the tops of my shoulders get cold too. 

 

But….. when cold, hug a puppy!

 

 

Puppies for warmth - ahhhhh.

Puppies for warmth - ahhhhh.

A shoulder stole.

A shoulder stole.





Empty as a Pocket

8 01 2009

I have nothing but a cup of hot water to drink right now, I’m like a raggedy poor street urchin. I barely spend any time in my flat so there’s currently nothing in my fridge at the moment, and I’m also feeling kind of funny-looking poor. I could have made coffee but I’ve already had two today, which isn’t really that bad and nothing like the Berlinerisch habit of downing cups of the stuff at every opportunity, but I’m really enjoying my bed these days and don’t want to be kept awake more than is necessary. I love my giant bed, the giant duvet and the giant toy puppy and bunny that provide extra insulation for me in the cold nights. Sometimes I wake up and mistake the rabbit’s giant ears for Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows, but alas the fantasy is short-lived – I am alone. 

 

The only downside is the lack of curtains; with the snow and ice all I can see is the strange white glow of the night sky poking out above my makeshift cardboard curtains that covers most of the window – kind of eerie. 

 

I think I’m going to give up on my online ‘friend finding’ foray, I’ve come to the conclusion that only the strangest of society lurk on such sites. That might include me but I like to think I have a genuine reason – new to a city and just looking to meet people. I’m also wondering if writing blogs is just for people with no internal monologue, unless they actually have something to promote or important things to say. Given my readership is currently at 3, that is people I actually communicate directly with, I’m wondering if I’m only writing this to give myself a laugh. 

 

Anyway, here’s a list of my favourite online encounters so far; in brief and with identifiable details hidden:

The lying sociopath who stood me up twice, luckily it wasn’t to the point of me waiting outside in the cold at the U-bahn, but near enough. 

The guy writing in caps lock who said he had no thumbs.

The guy who wrote to me and said he’d like to ask me some questions. Conversation went as follows:

‘I really like your profile, perhaps I can ask you some questions?’

Me: ok, what would you like to ask me about?

‘What’s your name?’

Me: sILEnt_FaNTAsy (blah). Do you have another question for me?

‘What questions should I ask you?’

 

???? What? Use your imagination!!

 

The offer of erotic stories was also interesting, but I declined. I would accept if only that stuffed bunny did miraculously morph into Peter Gallagher. 

The men I have met who look nothing like their photos. Disappointing. 

The multiple wet lettuces who run off to the bus stop as soon as the date’s ended, like little children desperate to get home so Mummy can make their dinner. Weirdly enough these are often the more good looking ones, but they can barely manage a good bye kiss before being freaked out by some hot female contact. 

 

The guy who asked if I had ‘dots’ on my face. ‘You mean freckles?’, I asked him. ‘No, red ones. Spots’, he answered. NO, I do NOT have spots and you shouldn’t ask someone you barely know that. Jeebers, what happened to trying to make a good impression? 

What about the emails that read: ‘I don’t suppose there’s any chance of an answer?’. What?

Or this one: ‘Hmmmm’. What does hmmm mean, on it’s own? With no beginning, middle or end to the sentence?

 

And the profiles that answer questions such as ‘what do you think is most important in a relationship?’ with the answer ‘the relationship’; or the question ‘what are you afraid of?’, answer: ‘being afraid’. Surely the whole point is that you try and show your best side to your new, ahem, friend?? Be a bit creative perhaps? Show some initiative? Show you are still…living?

 

It’s going to hit minus 12 later today. I love snow, in Winter, which is when it should snow. Not like in the UK when it snows in March and April. I’m still getting a slight Fargo feeling every time I put on a giant winter coat to take the rubbish out in the night. The heck ja mean?

 

Amendment: I wrote this post a couple of days ago, but didn’t publish. But I’d just like to share that on the night of writing this, I walked home late and my nose froze up – on the INSIDE! It’s cold here!





Internet did reconnect

26 10 2008

So who remembered the clocks went back? Just as well we got an extra hour sleep today, as one of the dogs is waking up every morning between 4.30 and 6.30, from being so scared of the dark and being on his own. Even though he has two other dogs around him to keep him company, I guess he just can’t get over having been trapped in a chicken coop for his early life. As he just doesn’t shut up he has to come and sleep in the bed, nestling his way down to the foot end, the smelliest part which he seems to love so much. 

 

I just saw a trailer for the new Di Caprio-Winslet film, Revolutionary Road. Weirdly I watched it with the sound off and it was all dramatic hand gestures, arm waving and Winslet’s eerie blank, pale face. But was that a nod to Titanic that I spotted? The two of them bonking away in the back of a car, not too dissimilar to the old carriage they were having it away in, in Titanic. And then Di Caprio puts his sweaty hand on the car window and leaves a steamy smear?? Too similar! Surely it’s time to lay that old ghost to rest? I think wedding ceremonies have had enough of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ to be reminded of that scene. Still, it’s nice to see Di Caprio back in the saddle again. See his good early work like Gilbert Grape and yes, Romeo and Juliet showed how great an actor he is. Then he kind of dropped off the radar until The Aviator and Blood Diamond came along.  Thanks, Leo, you’ve reinstalled my faith in you.  So you know, call me! (not desperate at all)

 

Talking of weddings, it’s not just California that needs your help voting against Prop 8. There’s also Florida and Arizona to think about.

I’m going to hand over to Bamboo Nation for this, as US politics aren’t really my area of expertise, but fair rights are in my interest:

“Hey, but enough about California for a while. There are two similar anti-gay measures on ballots in both Arizona and Florida.

First let’s quickly talk about Florida’s Amendment 2, which would also amend its state constitution to ban same-sex marriage. A recent pollputs support of the ban at 53%, which is not enough for it to pass. In Florida, 60% approval is necessary for a constitutional amendment. Now the 8 percent of undecided voters could push the ban through, if nearly all of them voted for it, which is highly unlikely. FLORIDIANS, VOTE NO ON AMENDMENT 2. If you’re so inclined, here’s how to get involved.

Things are a bit trickier in Arizona. Proposition 102, another constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, shows about 49 percent support right now. It needs 50% plus one (same as California). The undecided voters (8%) are key. ARIZONIANS, VOTE NO ON PROPOSITION 102. If you’re so inclined, here’s how to get involved.”

 

And specifically on California from the same website:

“Lie #1: “Schools began teaching second graders that boys can marry boys.” The ad is referring to one specific Massachusetts court case. Using the plural “schools” is a gross exaggeration to make it sound like its a widespread practice that’s terrorizing the state.

Lie #2: “Under California law, public schools instruct kids about marriage.” According to the Los Angeles Times, “there is nothing in the state education code that requires schools to teach anything about marriage. Even the decision about whether to offer comprehensive sex education is left up to individual school districts.” Also, unlike Massachusetts, California has broad opt-out provisions that allow parents to remove their children from class if they feel certain material is objectionable.

Lie #3: “Teaching children about gay marriage will happen here unless we pass Proposition 8.” Prop 8 has absolutely nothing to do with school instruction; the state education code barely even mentions any kind of marriage at all, let alone instruction; and guess what?—there are already provisions that say that instruction may not promote bias against anyone on the basis of several categories, including sexual orientation. That’s right! The education code has already been protecting gays for years—with no fanfare or controversy or corruption of schoolchildren. Check out theSacramento Bee.”