I am so behind times…

30 09 2008

Is this a well known word??

Why won’t Jackson explain why I can’t look this word up on Wikipedia or google? Spokaki?? We were looking at the Gingerbread houses on sale in IKEA – for Christmas, it’s only SEPTEMBER – and marvelling at how even they are flatpacked. Kinderspiel, oder??? So easy to build, just take five minutes, no problem, follow the shapeless men figures and call if it doesn’t make sense.  Lose a part? Just come back to IKEA and lose a day of your life looking for that one tiny screw the dog ate.

 

And then we look at the picture, talk about how quaint it is, how we have to unpack it and then rebuild it, and then Jackson says ‘But if I made it, it would look like Spokaki’ (the icing sugar mess, get it*???). Why am I so innocent, why does this word mean NOTHING to me and yet I can laugh hysterically when I hear it? Like when we suddenly remember the Plate Hoker late at night, or when Jackson mysteriously speaks out from the darkness of the room ‘Do you remember that band Gemini?’ ME: Not really, why?  Jackson: They were twin brothers and they did a photo shoot together in the bath.

 

*I do know Spokaki is not how the word is said or spelt, but in my mishearing, I find Spokaki much funnier.





New post – about bras!

30 09 2008

A bit of a hiatus from here, don’t  you think? But thanks to all of you who are writing hokers instead of Hookers into your search engines, it sends me traffic. Although soon I will write about the ‘Plate Hoker’ Jackson and I encountered the other week! The name kind of says it all. 

 

So I’m writing, even though I should be working because Dita von Teese’s new ad for Wunderbra just made me a bit slack jawed. Ker-ching!!! Seriously though, I know some people who work in labs and if they get up to that all day, every day I am changing me my profession! KER-CHING! Sadly though, the only stories I’ve head are from the ones who work next door to the ‘bits downstairs’ lab and how the toilets for this lab were next to my friend’s breakroom or something, so yup – they would often get handed warm sample bottles by embarrassed patients, scuttling off in haste. 

 

In other news, we no longer have Hillbilly plastic curtains in the bedroom! So no more neighbours sneaking a peek in (as if)- privacy at last! IKEA has endowed us with not only snazzy curtains but also the grim revelation that that ice-cream stuff they sell is actually a GIANT can of what can only be CONDENSED MILK poured into the top of the vat and then speed frozen before being sold off for one Euro a squirt. There is way too  much overlap between that and the ‘bits downstairs’ lab. ha ha, ha ha ha HA HA HA, I’ve put you off IKEA ice cream for ever!





And finally…Film round up!

5 09 2008

Please go here for our weekly film round up! Short, snappy reviews about Hallowe’en, Shadows in Paradise and The Kingdom. All written by Beau Travail, apart from my one liners. My eyes hurt too much to be more constructive. We need to go and walk the dog now.





Today is all about 24!

5 09 2008

Thank you so much to my good friend for pointing out to me that Tony Almeida, who has one of the 50th most beautiful faces of all time, has actually got a Chav face. See below:

 

 

Spot the difference

Spot the difference

 

It’s Tony Almeida versus Vicky Pollard, who’s the chavviest of them all??!!





Take the Test! Which 24 character are you?

5 09 2008

Here’s a quiz to take up the remaining hours (minutes) of your Friday afternoon at work!

 

Question 1

You look in the mirror and what do you see?

a) My wrinkles, no not my wrinkles. My wrinkles, no not my wrinkles. BOTOX, yea! Ok, my nipples.

b) A SONOFABITCH

c) The mirror, I don’t have time to look in the mirror. Why would I look in the mirror? I’ll only look if you order me to.

d) One of the 50th most beautiful faces in the world.

e) The most powerful man in the World. But I am only here, because you the people, voted me into this office and I will endeavor to do right for the American people with every strength within my (hunky) body.

f) A bitch. But at least a rich one.

 

Question 2

What do you say if someone dumps you?

a) Do you know who my father is? He’s a government agent and he will track you down, find you and kill you. Do you at least like my nipples?

b) SONOFABITCH!

c) FINE! I didn’t like you much anyway, I’m sorry to have to tell you, I really didn’t want to but you kind of smell.

d) THAT WAS NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE! I’m in charge here, and you take your orders from ME! But do you at least like my 50th most beautiful face?

e) I respect your decision, but I must speak for the people of this country when I say you’re making a terrible, terrible mistake. 

f) *BANG* Ha, you’re dead now.

 

Question 3

How do you make a living?

a) Showing my breasts.

b) Shooting SONS OF BITCHES!

c) That’s really not your concern, I can’t reveal that to you, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t, so please don’t ask me. Go away now, I’m trying to work.

d) Showing my 50th most beautiful face.

e) Collecting taxes. But I promised the people of this land to be a fair President, and you the people can be assured that your taxes will be returned to you in the form of schools, hospitals, free dental work and winter heating allowances!

f) Selling deadly viruses on a global scale, betraying my colleagues, plotting to assassinate Presidents, generally just stabbing people in the back. 

 

Question 4

You’re offered immunity from the President, what crime did you commit?

a) My nipples showing through my clothes, in public.

b) Shooting SONS OF BITCHES!

c) FINE! I didn’t really commit any crime, actually if you track back through my work log you’ll see I kept to the protocol all the time. Jack DIDN’T make me do it. Ok FINE! I did it, but I’m only saying this for Jack.

d) Having one of the 50 most beautiful faces ever.

e) I am the President. But to be fair to the people of this land, those very people who voted me into this office, to show that even the President is not above the law, I will tell you now that I will step down. 

f) Killing you. *BANG* Ha, you’re dead now.

 

Question 5

Which of your work colleagues do you fancy the most?

a) The slightly wooden looking, gung-ho action jock with the confusion lines.

b) The one selling deadly viruses and state secrets. But she shot my wife. SONOFABITCH!

c) It’s not protocol to fancy anyone at work. I’ve got a job to do here, you know. FINE, OK! It’s Mo….and Jack. Just don’t tell him.

d) One of the 50 most beautiful colleagues in the world who stands in the mirror whenever I appear. Oh, my wife too, of course.

e) It is not for the President of this country to have affairs at work. You the people are my only concern right now. (But the piece of skirt working on my press release is a heap better than my ex-wife, Lady Macbeth).

f) Ugh! Come on! I’ve had them ALL, and they ALL LOVED IT.

 

Question 6

What would your final words be?

a) Can you see my nipples? Hope so!

b) DAMNIT!

c) OK, FINE!

d) Quick! Plaster cast my one of the 50 most beautiful faces before it rots!

e) No words, just a serene and wise look passes across your face.

f) NO ONE kills ME and gets away with it!! 

 

Now tot up your answers and see which CTU character you are!

Mostly as – you are Kim Bauer, your wrinkles come and go with Botox injections, you show your nipples, you are vacuous and you will never get over the loss of your mother at the hands of Nina Myers. You blame your Dad and despite years of therapy you will still end up in failed relationships with quite questionable suitors.

 

Botox, yea!

Botox, yea!

Mostly bs – you are Jack Bauer. You are a SONOFABITCH!

 

 

DAMNIT!

DAMNIT!

 

Motly cs – you are Chloe O’Brian. The office grump, loyal to Jack as you are secretly in love with him, a quiet rebel who is too good at their job to get sacked. Despite looking a bit strange you will be the hot fantasy of many a guy, so chin up!

 

FINE!

FINE!

 

Mostly ds – you are Tony Almeida. You have one of the 50 most beautiful faces in the world. You have nothing more to worry about. Your life is easy.

 

Beautifulf

Beautiful

 

Mostly es – you are President David Palmer. An honest, truthful and sage man, voted in by the people you have survived countless attacks on your life and your character. You are the most powerful man in the World, you also have nothing more to worry about. You are actually more handsome than Tony Almeida. 

 

More Beautiful

More Beautiful

Mostly fs – you are Nina Myers. Bitch. You are currently burning in Hell. 

 

Evil incarnate

Evil incarnate





Hallowe’en is sorted!

5 09 2008
Even couch potatoes can be Jack Bauer!

Even couch potatoes can now be Jack Bauer!

In search of evidence for Jack Bauer’s fusty coats I came across the above picture, linked to this site for adult costumes.  

 

So fret no more about what you will wear this Hallowe’en, Leatherface is out and Jack is in! Round where I live adult costumes means something a bit different but there is some latex on this costume, albeit for the faux face wounds. I’m a bit concerned that whereas on the web description bullet proof vest is enclosed in quote marks, just in case the wearer places themselves in front of a hold up at the petrol station, taser however is listed as an accessory with no quote marks.

Not sure this guy does it for me though, however I did see a DONALD SUTHERLAND lookalike in Ikea last week. And he was Canadian. He was buying mugs. I nearly followed him, I didn’t, I have a shred of self-respect left.