Torschlusspanik!!

26 04 2008

I am not suffering from a mid-life crisis, although some translations of this German word might suggest so. 

I’ll explain another time why I’ve chosen Torschlusspanik as my blog title, but for now I’ll just leave up some of my own mis-matched German words/English meanings for your enjoyment. 
Wochenendepanik: alternatively known as Freizeitpanik: a panik witnessed many times in middle-England, replacing the ‘Gin and Jag’ hour of the working week, and is that time on Friday evening when everyone rushes to the supermarket (in the 4X4, natch) to buy the last few bottles of Shiraz and whatever ingredients Jamie Oliver has been promoting that week. The same occurs over the long weekends, and certainly just before Christmas or New Year. People fear the nuclear meltdown just around the corner, primed to go off over the May bank holiday, and panik buy anything they can, making the supermarket queues snake right round to the value underwear section.
I love these next two ones, invented by Jackson and me on our last flight to Berlin.
Sandwichflugzeugpanik: argh! That weird English mentality that there will be no food at the airport, nothing at the service stations en route, nothing plain enough to suit the dampened English palate at the cafes; so the only option left is to pack up the egg mayonnaise sandwiches in silver foil, open them up in the sealed container which constitues the crummy budget aeroplane, into which everyone is packed in like cattle and from which the pervasive smell of egg mayo will never leave. 
Rueckwaertssitzplatzpanik: argh! Everyone is crammed in like cattle in the crummy budget aeroplane, there is no room to stretch out your smallest, tiny toe, not even the really small, tiny extra toe that you were born with because your mum lived near a nuclear power plant, and suddenly – kerank! The biddy in front pushes her seat right back thereby causing immediate bruising on your poor legs and suspect DVT. 
Heisseswetterpanik: this one is really similar to Freizeitpanik. It’s over 10 degrees, people go crazy, the shirts come off and the sun roofs open. Then someone on the M6 realises they left the egg mayo sandwiches melting on the kitchen worktop so they execute a U-ey, and everyone else has to spend 5 hours stuck in a jam because we were all stupid enough to think that on the first heiss day of the year we’d be able to make a quick 3 hour getaway down to the nearest stretch of coastline. 
Duschbadpanik: I really only put this one in for ‘Psycho’ fans, or people who watched Psycho and now can never take a shower when the protective splash-back is just a flimsy curtain and they’re not sure if Norman Bates is really hiding behind the towel rail.
Arschlochpanik: this one is a serious one. The fear arising in you that something bad is coming your way and it is all because the person behind it is an ‘arschloch‘. A complete and utter arschloch. Not because ‘it was meant to be’, or ‘wrong place, wrong time’ or ‘an accident waiting to happen’. No, arschlochpanik is caused purely because that person is so willfully self-absorbed that they fail to observe the world around them and are blissfully ignorant of the suffering caused by their stupidity.  
Genug for now-
It’s Friday, which means double-trouble Sutherland TV time! Dirty, Sexy, Money followed by an episode of 24! 
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